About alcohol and string.

" Since i remember life was hard, being a kid, growing, and specially dying. Or rather the death of the ones we love the most. That was, is and will ever be the worst part of it, maybe that's the reason i became an embalmer. Making the loss easier that's all i seek. It was around 1963, when i was a young man (now it's called "teen") the first time death knocked my door. Literally i must say, because after the knock, when father Walter opened the small door at the back a beautiful young lady came in and said something about a car and a dog, a white small dog, just like mine.

  At that time i didn't understood why he didn't came back, Moises as i called my little puppy. Until one day father Walter came and told me what had happened, it was shocking for such a young kid to hear that, specially since father Walter was known for being very descriptive when talking. All i wanted was to see my puppy again, but all what was left was ashes. That day i decided my fate, to beat the death, i know it is not right to wish that. It is against god, but who is god to take us away.

 "


 

After a while

It's been a long time since the last time i was here, so very much that i don't even remember. From what i can see i was writing memories from my primary school days, when i was in love with a girl called Sofia. It was such a long time ago.
So let's talk about what has been going on lately. Guess i will want to remember this in the future... if there is any. But let's skip the apocalipsis for now.

I am functional. Or that is what i say to myself. I am working, i have a girlfriend and we live together. I have some friends, not that many ones but enough. I am 26 years old as of now. I have no mayor addictions neither crippling illnesses. My limbs are all where they should, regardless of some scars. I don't lack money but neither have enough to make a business. I have been working the last 5 or so years and was unable to finish college. This is me. This is about all i am.Sad.
The job i have is an enslaving 9 to 6 office one as a programmer and qa analist, i don't even make 300u$d by today standards, i try to save money but any attempt is futile, all is bleed out of me by the rent and the food and the bills. My job is dead ended, nothing will ever happen and i won't get a raise. I've tried to look for something else but i'm too tired to even apply correctly. The interviews i had were all a failure, my knowledge is rusted to the core and my motivation is on ground levels.
My girlfriend is a fat whale, short and without any charm. A depressive person who drains the little energy i have after my 10 hours outside, if you consider the commute and the 9 hours at the office. She used to have a cat, but it died last year of cancer, its disease let us broke after 2 surgeries and expensive medications. Last year was literally hell because of it and its still going. She cries on daily basis, has some depression attacs and can't even do basic things some days.

oops there she is at the door. Better write the rest later.

Bye, future me.

Sofia and i

Dates are unimportant, but the time, time is not. And i remember it was about 12 when i saw her for the first time. I was but a kid, not older than the time of that day. And she was amazing.

Blonde, blue eyes, pale skin, as tall as me and with a shocking smile. How not to fall in love for her glance? Yes, she glanced. But we were away.

Elementary school, the last year to be precise. That entire year i was in love.

But life never is nice and shows you joy only to take it away, and it took her away with my best friend of the time. Funny thing, he was a blonde too.

But their love fade in less than a week.

I couldn't see her much, she went to school on the afternoon an i was there every morning. Until the last day.

You see, the last day of school there was a party. Every student and parent and teacher sharing drinks and stories. Every kid sharing music and dance.

But i was not a dancer before she looked at me. And that was the only time i truly danced. That i danced with true joy. We danced all night and looking at her face smiling was the best thing i could see. But today that memory is blurry, only the feeling remains.

Every song has an ending, and our song was short. With the party ended and the stars setting we saw each other face to face. And as much as i love her name i hate Christian. He was my best friend's brother, older brother, older junkie brother with a camera. That night i learned that a camera can kill any romance. And that night we parted ways. That night i lost my first love in a worthless movement of destiny.

That was the briefest love story but not because of that the less painful. To this day i can feel the scar itching in my heart,

To this day i remember seeing you fade away in that hot night Sofia.

--

Hello again

My oldest friend, you are still here. So am i.

And to say the worst, i changed nothing. Neither did you.

Hello again for i am once more in pain. And this long forgotten real shall watch me cry rivers, scream like thunder my agony.

Hello my dearest friend. Hello again.

-

Her fault too

Being egocentric sounds like an amazing actitude to have, everything is about you ! However it is not often told that all the bad things have only one responsable. I used to be much more like that and now i am starting to realize that not everything is my fault, i am not the one (or at least not the only one) to blame about my inminent breakout.

This kind of complex to explain but my point is. Breaking with someone is about both parts. She is mean, very very mean and sour. She's been like that since the first time we fought. In part it's of course my fault too, i am tremendously afraid of being alone and always took the easy way of being the weak end of the relation. Great mistake!

I wander if what some said is true and i deserve someone else.

Until next fight !